I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
