so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
