I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Randomize
