Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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