it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
