Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
