She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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