Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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