Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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