let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
