I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
