There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
