i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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