At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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