i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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