Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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