I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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