So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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