mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize