There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
