A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
