Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
