the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
