loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
