I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
My bed smells like the plague
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
