i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize