Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
