I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
