She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
