so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
