I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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