if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
