my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
