if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
We are two peas in an std pod
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
