Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
