I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
The best revenge is premature balding
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
