i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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