You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
