Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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