So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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