i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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