Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize