My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
