she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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