this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
