birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
