Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
