I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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