There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize