if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
