Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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