Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
