Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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