I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
