Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I want to walk on stilts...naked
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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