dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
