I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
