Your dad touched me again.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
