Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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