looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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