How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Ketchup is God's man juice
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
