my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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