Need sex. Gaining weight.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
we're making bets on your personal life
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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