ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
