i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
