I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
