Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
