Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
