just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Randomize