it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
accomplished twins. life is a go
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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