What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize